Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
