when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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