we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize