she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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