I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She said her name was "party"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
