Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
