Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize