When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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