i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
