He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
