After last night, I could never be a politician.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
there is puke in my bra ... again
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
