don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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