Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
