Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
kristin has been a bad kristin
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
