just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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