i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
