so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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