kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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