Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
