6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
