If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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