I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
