Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
