i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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