i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
