is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
