i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Text me some of your sweat
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