How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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