She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
