y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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