The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He better not be in your backpack
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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