I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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