I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
