its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
