If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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