I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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