Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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