What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
