Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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