I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
