Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
