The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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