I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
foreskin is a definite game changer
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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