I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
