My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
