i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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