You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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