we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You pole danced in your parka.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
