ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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