Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
