You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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