I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
