Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
