I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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