Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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