I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
