i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
