I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
