My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
