Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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