They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
