Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
