im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
