dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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