I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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