8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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